Today I need to say something. I am a csection mama, and I’m not ashamed of it.
It’s not been exactly easy. Sometimes I still run my hand against the scar and ache inside a little. At the same time, I am grateful. That cut means today, I have a living baby girl.
I had always known exactly what I wanted my labor to be like. Natural labor. Minimal interference. Preferably no pain medication. Quiet, and only the absolutely necessary number of attendance. Just Scott and I there to hold ourlittle one for the first time. I wanted it to be beautiful and intimate. Empowering.
But that’s not what happened.
Pregnancy wasn’t hard for me.
True, my feet became unrecognizable, swollen blimps for which I could find no shoe or sandal. I walked barefooted for five miles almost every day, and I felt great!
True, I had two pregnancy rashes from head to toe that sometimes itched so badly I thought I might go crazy. But I didn’t care. It wouldn’t last forever, and at the end…we got a baby out of it!
Over all, being pregnant was easy. All 42 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy.
I knew my date of ovulation. I knew that babies don’t always arrive by magic on the 40th week. I was okay with waiting on labor. It would happen.
But it never did.
On the last day that my midwife was legally allowed to attend, I checked in to a room at the woman’s center and the first one of all of my dreams for labor and delivery slipped away.
Trying one thing after another to kickstart my body into natural labor. Induction. No progress. Meconium so thick in the fluid that it was more like slime than liquid. Hour after hour of contractions with no breaks between the peaks. A fever that spiked out of no where and wouldn’t go down. They feared infections. And my baby suddenly going into distress. More than 36 hours after checking in, I found myself being wheeled away for an emergency csection.
Absolutely nothing that I’d dreamed of for my labor and birth experience happened. Everything I feared, did.
I was just thankful at that point to be okay, and that she was okay.
And then it started. The guilt and shaming by people who I needed to be supportive and happy with me.
- I took the easy way out.
- If I’d done x y and z, none of this would have happened.
- It was my fault for not fighting the system harder and just waiting to see what happened.
- Baby would come when she was going to. It was my fault for “rushing it”.
- What did I expect was going to happen by going to the hospital instead of staying at home?
- I didn’t really give birth. I was just “lucky” and “weak”.
- I got what I asked for.
- It was my fault.
I believe that they probably meant well. Perhaps they thought they were encouraging.
But could I have changed the outcome of my experience? Probably not. Did I try everything? I did all that I knew to do. And in the end, Scott and I made the best decision we could for the health of our child and for my health. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done.
But at the end? We got a baby out of it. A gorgeous, chunky redheaded baby girl. She was perfect. I was okay. I would heal.
But that’s how it goes with cesarean mamas. We’ve been through something hard. Traumatic.
Csections are not a lucky break. Most of us fought our way through labor, hoping, praying, trying everything we could to give our baby the best possible start.
Two years later, I’m still healing from my csection, physically and emotionally. Recovering from a surgery like that and taking care of a colicky newborn is not for the weak.
We all – natural mamas, epidural mamas, csection mamas, want the same thing: a healthy baby at the end. We are all good mamas. We all do what it takes to “get the job done”.
But for us who delivered our little ones into the world on a table in an operating room instead of at home or in labor and delivery, we often get shame.
We’re left to believe that we’re less of a woman because our birth wasn’t “how it was suppose to be”. We get the message from around us that others believe that we weren’t brave or strong enough to do the real thing, and it’s loud and clear.
Of all the things in the world where we should give love and support, why do we judge and shame instead? Why do we think we can decide which mama is brave and which one isn’t?
Most of us didn’t walk into the hospital and sign up for a csection. And even if we had, does it really matter?
Don’t get me wrong. I still believe that natural birth is wonderful. If I could have had it, I would have. But at the end of the day, things don’t always go as planned. At the end of the day, we make the best choices we can. There is no shame in that. There is no one way of giving birth that can claim exclusive rights to being the real thing.
Natural birth without any pain medicine. Birth with epidurals. Birth by cesarean. Birth by adoption. Whatever process you took to becoming a mama.
Because in the words of a sweet friend, all birth is brave.
All.
It’s Cesarean Awareness Month. Be kind. And remember, no matter how you became a mama, you are brave.
Cathie says
July 8, 2018 at 9:45 pmReading this again now that I’ve actually gone through a form of birth… wow. I kept going back and forth between natural and c-section, and I chose natural (hoping that I would be able to) because c-sections seemed so intense and I didn’t think I would be strong enough for that. As I often told Alex, I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I want to say I have a new appreciation for what you went through. *big hugs* and I am sorry you experienced perhaps well-meaning, yet negative interactions. ♥
Joanna says
August 24, 2015 at 2:26 pmI hate when c-section mamas feel bad about their births. Usually, if a woman undergoes a c-section, it is not because that was her dream birth and she thought it was best for her baby and was looking forward to the 6 week recovery period. I understand, there are unnecessary cesareans and our hospitals in American tend to slice too quickly, but even if that is the case, a c-section is a hard thing to face and deserves respect.
I have had three home births. It probably goes without saying that I have also had easy (medically speaking) births. I hate the common assumption that, because I ‘went all natural’ I automatically judge women with a different experience. I don’t. I have an enormous respect for mamas, for all mamas. It ain’t easy, no matter how you do it!
Cathie says
April 20, 2015 at 5:09 pmI can’t imagine anyone shaming you for bearing a battle scar that showed a precious bundle was born out of love.
Things don’t always happen the way they’re supposed to. I’m glad you had the grace to roll with the punches. ♥
Callie Mitchell says
April 16, 2015 at 9:27 amThis is such a beautiful, sweet, humble, vulnerable story. I read it with tears in my eyes. Hearing your story, it wasn’t just brave, it was also selfless and wise. You had to let go of something to make sure your daughter had the best start possible. I hope that scar will be a mark of courage in your heart, and a memorial to memory of when you were called to look a little more like your savior, your body pierced for the life of another. <3
Sarah Graw says
April 15, 2015 at 1:22 pmI loved this post, Chantel. You are so right- birth is a very brave thing!! Inducing is another thing that is shamed- whether we have a choice or not in the matter. I think that is so sad! Birth is an amazing process and journey. Not only are we going through delivering the baby, but many of us have also been through month and months (even all the way up to delivering the baby) of nausea, and aching hips and pain….. We mama’s are troopers! :-) But those sweet babies sure are worth it.
Gretchen Louise says
April 15, 2015 at 12:38 amOh friend, how well I remember laboring in prayer as you labored with little Charlotte. Having been through 3 inductions now, I know too well the disappointment and fear of things not going according to plan. But to have a beautiful and healthy baby at the end…that makes it all worth it.
And yes, it is a brave thing, a very brave thing, to sacrifice your body and life to bring another into this world. But that is motherhood: sacrifice. Sometimes of our hopes, dreams, and birth plans, always of our own wants, needs,and time.
Jessiqua Wittman says
April 14, 2015 at 11:46 pmMan… I remember crying on the floor while praying for you that dramatic birth night. Everything you were going through was so scary. You ARE brave. I never doubted it a moment. I’m sorry others did.
Sending love and hugs your way. <3
Samantha says
April 14, 2015 at 1:42 pmOh Wow, I had no idea that people “shamed” you or put you decisions down. What you did was what was best for you and baby and what was necessary at the time. Things don’t always go according to plan. I remember just being glad that you and baby were fine and doing well and everything was okay in the end.
((Hugs))
Rissa says
April 14, 2015 at 1:33 pmThat’s so insane! I had no idea “caesarian shaming” was even. . .a thing. . .Outrageous! Agreed: All birth is brave, and I think having to make last minute medical decisions and change the plan makes it even braver.
Robyn Proctor Hinkle says
April 14, 2015 at 1:27 pmA C-section was what had to be done so you could have your daughter safe, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I long for the day when people realize no one cares about their negative opinions. I had a stillborn son and I wouldn’t have done whatever it took to save him if he could have been saved. You’re right there is no shame and there’s no reason for shame. You are brave, and so are all mamas! Great post!
Karie says
April 14, 2015 at 12:47 pmAnd yes, ALL birth is brave!
Karie says
April 14, 2015 at 12:45 pmOh Chantel, my heart ached with Scott’s and yours as you were faced with a situation that you had not planned on. I know it wasn’t easy to accept, but like you stated in the end what was most important was the health of you and your baby. The choices one makes at birth is one that others can’t make for you, it is only a choice that the family themselves can make. Birth is about providing support and love for the family whatever their decision may be. It is too easy to juge others decisions, but unless the one themselves that is judging is experiencing the situation, how can they know what is best? I myself hope that I have never come across as making you feel shameful and guilty. If so, please forgive me. In the end the best thing about it all though was the birth of my healthy, precious, beautiful little red-haired grand-daughter. Love her so much! God is good!